Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
