I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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