I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
