I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
