I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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