She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
