Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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