Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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