No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
