And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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