I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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