life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
