I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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