I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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