There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
