would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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