I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
