You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
