I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
