Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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