i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
