Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
