I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
