Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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