I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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