Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
