My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
