When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
