there's paper in my vomit.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
