Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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