She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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