My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
