I just pynch a tree in the face
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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