I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
