apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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