Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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