you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
