I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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