Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
