hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
