Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
