just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
