And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
