So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
