Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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