Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Randomize
