so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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