chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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