can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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