Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
