too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Randomize
