Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
