I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
