Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
