Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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