my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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