u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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