true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
