i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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