Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
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