Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
