When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
