i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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