the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
