i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
